I am starting to get baby fever, but I know that we are on God's timing now. Even with getting pregnant, it is God's timing, but when getting pregnant, at least you feel like you are in charge to an extent. This adoption is depressing to wait for, but I keep reminding myself that Abraham and Sarah had to wait about 10 years for their promised child.
I still don't regret not having any more biological even though sometimes I think "did we do the right thing? we could have 2 more kids by now" but then God reminds me that it wasn't his plan and to just wait. I know if I had 2 more biological, then we probably wouldn't adopt. I just hate waiting and keep thinking that if they close Vietnam, where do we go next. Am I up for another dossier? Do I have a choice? What about all the money we spent so far, did we start this process earlier than God wanted us to and now He is throwing up roadblocks so we will match up with perfect timing to the child He wants in our family?
Or were we correct in starting last March and the "distraction" of Guatemala closing, then changing to Vietnam, then it possibly closing, was that all of God's plan in His timing?
I told myself before we started all this that if we have setbacks, etc. that I would not get upset, I would realize that a setback such as paperwork getting lost, etc. was God's way of getting us on the waiting list at just the right number. While doing the Guatemalan dossier, there were a few little setbacks, and I didn't get upset at all. But when promising myself not to get upset, I didn't realize that it would include 1 country closing, doing a whole new dossier, the another country threatening to close and the thought of figuring out which country to go to next if we have to.
Then to start a whole new dossier. Our agency now has 3 countries that we qualify for that we could choose from if Vietnam closes - Ethiopia, Bulgaria, and India. I know that it will all be worth it. When I think that Hannah will be 4 in Sept. Hannah will probably be at least 5 before we bring another child home. That is such a large age difference. I know it may not seem like much, but in my plan, our kids would have been closer in age. But it isn't my plan that matters.
I start thinking crazy stuff like
-I bet my extended relatives that I told last summer that we were adopting probably think I was making the whole thing up.
-People at church and work are probably wondering "where is this child she was so excited about last year?"
And why do I care? I don't know, I suppose I shouldn't. I guess I could drag our dossier to church or up north and show everyone "see, I really did do all this paperwork. Here is a letter from our agency verifying that we really are on a waiting list. Guatemala really did close, and yes we are just that "unlucky" that we got on the waiting list for one country, it closed, we did paperwork for another country, and now it is probably closing too"
Before you become a parent, you have an idea of how much you will love your child, but until you have a child, you really don't understand how wonderful it is. So, I have the perspective that I know it will be worth it, I know when we get that child (I refuse to give up!) I will be so thankful for all the closings and delays. So very thankful that God was in control instead of me, and that is what gets me through the waiting. I can remember being pregnant with Madelyn. Finding out was so exciting, then the excitement at 4 weeks pregnant turned into misery at 6 weeks pregnant when for 6 weeks, I felt like vomiting all day every day. I can remember thinking "I can't believe I wanted this" I feel a little guilty for that now, but she was so worth it. Because now I have perspective. I know what the outcome of bringing a child home is. And it is worth the wait, or the nausea!